Middle age and frustrated
I have not been on here for very long time... Its an early Saturday morning and I am at least working.
After finishing college some years ago (2012)..I had no idea it would take this long to at least do some semblance of tech support. I have been told even after finishing college to give up my dream. But I never listened. I even had a close friend that I hung out with who however turned out to be a sociopath and cut me off that I sometimes have trouble dealing with. I have even been to therapy (not because of that). Its not like I graduated with honors either. I wasted a LOT of time when I was younger. Going to the movies every week. All I had was a small part time job or working below 12/hr. TaxSlayer did open up to me once I actually got a degree. At the time, I was working there and at Walmart. In hindsight, I don't miss Walmart. I have a bigger loathing now for Dish. I spent 3 years of my life there. Walmart 6 years. I have bouts of depression thinking about these things. There are always people smarter and better than you. I enjoy most aspects of my current job. I just wish to do more. Its hard to stay focused. I got a family and it takes things into perspective. I just recently had a birthday a few weeks ago. I couldn't even get a tattoo. Regardless I keep mine covered up. I keep telling myself this is mostly my fault. I keep myself at this level without trying harder. Last year I actually got a certification in AWS. It took 3 freaking times to take it to pass it. Everyone else mostly could just study in a day and take it.. I tried taking a harder one 2 years ago and messed up badly. Sometimes I place unrealistic expectations on myself. It would be nice to at least get the Net+ but with this virus gong around got to stay home. I kept putting it off and off and now I am wondering if and when I will excel in any field. Its frustrating not being in control of somethings. Especially a career. Its like NOPE. no certs..no experience.NO WAY... Working with some of my coworkers opened my eyes to other things to do. Its hard to focus. I wanted to work on a bench downstairs and make it my office. Instead I have 2 tv dinner trays for a monitor and a macbook. On a positive at least I was cleared for another project. I went to Washington dc for the first time. It was so very jarring. I was completely out of my element and didn't know what to do. I mostly stayed at the hotel. Got a laptop and a piv card but no other direction to go with that. I thought about being a network admin. NO Way to be in space. FORGET IT. I cough so much from reflux I will probably never be healthy like my 20s. I even picked up smoking cigars. It takes some of the stress dealing with personal issues. I think about languages like Python or Perl. But I keep going another direction. I was very determined to get my associates but its more like a glorified help desk degree than anything else. At least my wife will be done with school soon. I hope to get a bachelors next. I have to get this off of me since I am in the mood to whine. I dont want to become complacent. I wish I was leading in something. I just dont know what. Im always wondering if I should dress up nice or go lazy. My mood changes so much it becomes confusing. I like suspenders now.. Age is catching up. Sometimes I watch things I saw when I was a kid and it saddens me Im not where i thought i would be.
After finishing college some years ago (2012)..I had no idea it would take this long to at least do some semblance of tech support. I have been told even after finishing college to give up my dream. But I never listened. I even had a close friend that I hung out with who however turned out to be a sociopath and cut me off that I sometimes have trouble dealing with. I have even been to therapy (not because of that). Its not like I graduated with honors either. I wasted a LOT of time when I was younger. Going to the movies every week. All I had was a small part time job or working below 12/hr. TaxSlayer did open up to me once I actually got a degree. At the time, I was working there and at Walmart. In hindsight, I don't miss Walmart. I have a bigger loathing now for Dish. I spent 3 years of my life there. Walmart 6 years. I have bouts of depression thinking about these things. There are always people smarter and better than you. I enjoy most aspects of my current job. I just wish to do more. Its hard to stay focused. I got a family and it takes things into perspective. I just recently had a birthday a few weeks ago. I couldn't even get a tattoo. Regardless I keep mine covered up. I keep telling myself this is mostly my fault. I keep myself at this level without trying harder. Last year I actually got a certification in AWS. It took 3 freaking times to take it to pass it. Everyone else mostly could just study in a day and take it.. I tried taking a harder one 2 years ago and messed up badly. Sometimes I place unrealistic expectations on myself. It would be nice to at least get the Net+ but with this virus gong around got to stay home. I kept putting it off and off and now I am wondering if and when I will excel in any field. Its frustrating not being in control of somethings. Especially a career. Its like NOPE. no certs..no experience.NO WAY... Working with some of my coworkers opened my eyes to other things to do. Its hard to focus. I wanted to work on a bench downstairs and make it my office. Instead I have 2 tv dinner trays for a monitor and a macbook. On a positive at least I was cleared for another project. I went to Washington dc for the first time. It was so very jarring. I was completely out of my element and didn't know what to do. I mostly stayed at the hotel. Got a laptop and a piv card but no other direction to go with that. I thought about being a network admin. NO Way to be in space. FORGET IT. I cough so much from reflux I will probably never be healthy like my 20s. I even picked up smoking cigars. It takes some of the stress dealing with personal issues. I think about languages like Python or Perl. But I keep going another direction. I was very determined to get my associates but its more like a glorified help desk degree than anything else. At least my wife will be done with school soon. I hope to get a bachelors next. I have to get this off of me since I am in the mood to whine. I dont want to become complacent. I wish I was leading in something. I just dont know what. Im always wondering if I should dress up nice or go lazy. My mood changes so much it becomes confusing. I like suspenders now.. Age is catching up. Sometimes I watch things I saw when I was a kid and it saddens me Im not where i thought i would be.
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